Tags
blog, coffee, psychology, psychopath, satire, science, social media
In a recent study done by scientists at the Center for Research And Psychology (heretofore known as CRAP), extremely reliable, peer reviewed research revealed an astonishing truth. In his article “Psycoffeepy” for the CRAP Journal, Jack Schitt published his findings. He had this to say:
“We sent our researchers across the metropolis, suburbs, and even into rural areas. All these had two things in common: coffee shops and social media. [Imagine fast paced music and teenagers strolling the suburbs while looking at their phones. They also hold cardboard cups with insulators on them. Imagine a lone woman wearing a collared shirt and knee-length black skirt. She sits alone at a table. She also has a cardboard cup.]
The residents of all three areas frequent their local coffee shops. Some frequent more than others. According to statistics we pulled from no cited sources, 88% of the population drinks coffee. That is not surprising, and obviously not unusual. Some of these people have apparent consciences, but there’s another demographic. [The music gets faster paced].87.5% of these coffee drinkers post daily to their social media accounts. For example: “Can’t live without my coffee.” “Coffee is my only joy in life.” These are 98% more likely to exhibit symptoms of psychopathy. They may go on and commit murder should their coffee be taken from them. These are the ones that should concern society. It’s just science.”
Schitt, Jack. “Psycoffeepy”. CRAP Journal 1:1. October 4. 2021.